This place is really personal one. I mean all stuff that takes place here isn't about computers, bicycles, even people. It's all about my attitude and my perception.

So if you've got good mood, it is probably would be a good decision to leave this place immediately. Sometimes I write really dirty entries. But sometimes they are fluffy and pink ;).

And one more point: if you suddenly find any mistakes here, I beg you not to hesitate if you want to let me know about that.

This thing happens quite often and it's so freaking disappointing.

The thing is LONG-RUN-GOAL manipulation from other side: government, employer, you name it.

While people are trying to make things work out, so called "leaders" turn it into disaster against those very ones.

That's why it's extremely important to know what you're aiming for and not let anybody mess with that. Which is so goddamn difficult if the goal is whatsome rather challenging involving many people work on it, put their very last effort so that they really can't think of anything else than the piece of work they're specifically focused on.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Ever-lasting fight of evil and good.

I know I'm obscure. But I'm also sure you know what I'm talking about.

In this system of exchanging products/ services/ labour AND money there is such a possibility for people to just grow their money volumes WITHOUT doing any service to others. So whereas first people make a bare living doing a lotta service to others, second people just try to grab any way possible without being concerned if they made any good for others. They try to do least to get most.

This makes life hard or very hard for first people and luxurious/ prosperous/ easy for second people.

Now, if that is really so, why first people put up with it?

Yes, I know it's challenge of evil-against-good-fight-for-all-eternity type, so I have to find a way to stay good, but to simultaneously do plenty of money. It just that the situation is so naked to me and damn it just gets worse and worse every year. First people rock their asses off harder and harder and get paid less and less. Even if I find a way to be prosperous and good simultaneously, I STILL DON'T LIKE THE COMMON TENDENCY.

A really frightening dangerous and.. already hazardous aspect of TECHNOLOGY, COMPUTERS and other ARTIFICIAL enlightment (entertainment) is that HUMAN SKILLS SUFFER.

You don't need to be STRONG, to be SMART, to be CAPABLE. You can just sit in front of PC monitor and get SEX (virtual), EMOTION (pretty much like it's happening with you if you got nice audio system, big screen), SOCIAL CONNEXION (social networks on the net). Very soon we'll get wires connected to our brain to "EAT", to "GET SEXUAL EXPERIENCE", get any kinda emotion. Very straight alike drug addiction. And to get the same experience from ACTUAL WORLD will be ultimately difficult, almost IMPOSSIBLE, because people year by year weaken themselves to become SLACKER SLAVES. People get asphyxiated by their own weakness and helplessness.

TECHNOLOGY KILLS HUMAN SKILLS if misused.

Man it feels awesome when interaction with women are smooth, hilarious, healthy and enjoyable. It just heals me.

Modern software engineering from a point of view of the very engineer has become such a complex process, that you need lots of people to make a product that is well documented, average experienced user would use, enjoy and buy. God it takes a whole lot of thinking (which causes mental and emotional drains), staring at computer screen (which is unhealthy), passive sitting lifestyle (heart disease, obesity, you name it – they've got it).

And in the end after all that hell of a lotta work you get what? I mean besides obesity, heart disease, and other shit. You get a computer app. What kinda computer app worth such a price?

Today at work there were a whole bunch of highly important big bosses (Cisco, eBay, Twitter, Facebook, ... 25 of 'em). They look much like others. But it feels so inspirational & strong & exciting & powerful being in their company. I can't even describe which body part is perceiving that inspiration. But it feels so, so good!

If men are God alike in their achievements, then women are even more so, because they create (give birth to) Gods.

It's quite a sad case when somebody is grown up and pretty old but still doesn't know much about oneself. Especially when the person didn't try hard enough to analyse their essence.

People of this kind are pathetic. They're so afraid of looking inside, that most of the time their business is to mess around with other people. To do whatever it takes – just to avoid studying themselves. Pathetic and sad.

Because there are different happy delighed joyful people, who never get old. They always smile and achieve everything they ever dreamed about. That's the only way to live.

I think I've just had an epiphany: my guess is that I love programming because I use it to study MYSELF.

I've just realized, that when I try to design a simple solution for a complicated task with lots of requirements and contradictory requests, I formulate so many questions that eventually reveal my own personality, my way of thinking and the way I like using technology, interface and so on.

I use programming to find out more about myself.

I was about 5 to 6 years old living my life among other kids in kindergarten.

One day at this afternoon-dreaming-I-couldn't-stand-hour I lied down on my bed (there were those multilayer rolling in-and-out bed rows about 30 meters long) and tried to pretend to be sleeping :). But who am I kidding – as our beloved nanny used to leave the nap-room, we always started yelling or at least getting up and walking across the room.

And all of a sudden I find myself in one bed with this totally cute pretty girlie. To be honest I don't remember whether I went to hers, or she did, or we might just jump into the same one, because the nanny came by to check upon us. I can't recall now, but we found ourselves together under the same blanket.

Just as nanny left, we started looking at each other with sincere childish curiosity.

Yes, several minutes later that angel in human flesh was touching my red tip with such a gentleness, respect, dignity and wonder that I'm afraid I'm not able to translate into words. She also let me explore her body as long as I wanted. And it's not so much about physical sensations, but the very permission, obedience and behaviour of hers.

That was probably the most pleasant moment in my entire life, I was flying in paradise. I probably knew answers to all the questions I confront nowadays and those which are to be revealed in future.

Now, after that case I never really talked about it with her – neither in kindergarten, nor later in school.

But if YOU read this, I just wanna thank you for that particular day in my life.

In my early days I was probably exposed to such a kind of treatment: «oh relax man, just be normal lazy shithole like everybody else – what are you – God or something?! ha-ha-ha!» Now I see it clearly, and I'm going to ignore that sick behaviour :) They're trying to get a piece of my positive energy to get them going by replying them, that they are lazy shits. In fact, that's what they're expecting. No more, folks, sorry.

In adult world people are responsible for what they say and how they behave.

So, I'm going to thank G for her reply (because she helped me realize all this) and say that I'm not mad at her, so that if she ever recalls this her reply – she wouldn't suffer from being unforgiven.

To be honest I can't concentrate on my work thoroughly. In fact I'm afraid of doing it, because I feel it is not worth it and I'm wasting my time.

At the same time, I realize that I need some strong skills at least in one trade in this world to succeed. I'm just sick of learning (technology, fundamental science, anything) without clear image of how it is going to be applied in future. Because if it is not going to be applied – why bother wasting time?

Right? Pick an objective first – then go and learn how to accomplish it. Which skills I need, what kind of knowledge, amount of time, where is the most suitable place to learn that kind of human activity.

Gotta return to correct way of thinking: firstly I get a question in my head, then I find the answer. In school and university that thinking process is almost died – whenever I asked why am I studying this subject and that subject – nobody had an answer. They always said: «Believe us, later you'll understand» Okay, but that 23 years already. I'm done. Enough of blind trust.

Studying is acquiring NEW experience, that I've never ever tried before.

Mental masturbation is reading books about stuff I know really well.

Lately I've been developing my left art brain hemisphere. I just basically do everything I did right hand now by left one: brushing my teeth, handwriting, shoe washing, handling smsht, moving PC mouse, and so on and so forth.

And it's so much influencing me! Like, sometimes I just laugh watching clumsy movements, sometimes when I should be bloody productive I panic and my brain yells at me: «What the hell, man! Stop playing with me, I'm sick and tired of this. Just return to the right hand already!» Just imagine you're a guy and you try to masturbate using your left hand — man, that's just a torture!

But I keep doing it (just like when I was recently learning second blind cyrillic keyboard typing method or learning to walk upside down) because I believe it does enrich my brain neurons cells' connections and is going to bring me some creative skills, yo.

Saw newcommers today here, at the company I work. They look so in love with this company. So ultimately happy and pleased like they've found paradise on Earth.

Reminded me when I first got here. Saw free pure water and snacks in the kitchen. Nicely lit rooms, interriour, etc. But over time I realized, no place on Earth is a paradise, unless I pursue my goal outrageously insane and passionately obsessive get it done. Otherwise any place is gonna eat me up.

Gotta keep my true goal in mind and follow it like nobody else.

Doing bigger things is easier than doing smaller ones.

If there is one serious thing on the planet — it's gotta be nap!

Life is utlimately simple: I either create what I crave, or I just help other people achieving their goal.

Looking for a goal to achieve turns out to be a challenging task, since I desire my own goal. But how do I know whether a goal is mine or alien, since I am made by my parents who also made by my grandparents who also... How do I verify if my brain works in a way I want — not the original creator's one? Is it me who thinks or I just keep performing creator's goal?

I believe that the essence of happyness is a proper achieved objective: (1) proper; (2) achieved.

So, in order to become happy I have to choose a proper objective and then achieve it. It may seem annoyingly silly that the first thing to do is to pickup a proper objective. But that's a crucial point. I've achieved plenty of wrong goals which didn't eventually make me happy afterwards. I realized they were not mine.

Now I'm looking for a major proper objective in my life. But I don't know how to. It is a really challenging job to pick a proper objective, since most of the time I'm just being jealous I pick other people possessions or achievements as my objective and every time a little while after I realize that.

So how do I pick up a proper objective?

There are lots and lots of people around me who tries really hard to look very smart and wise. They (and me as well) study so much and read so goddamn much scientific or esoteric literature but yet remain unhappy and totally depressed because there so many wants and almost no gots.

From now on I'll try first to choose what I wanna achieve and then do whatsoever it takes to get it (even if it looks silly and ridiculously — I don't care).

See some description, photos and even a video clip :)

There is always a huge difference between expressing my thoughts out loud and do it black and white. The attention people give me in public makes me kinda fussy and I start forgetting any suitable right words and expressions. It sounds so lame I feel like «I could use that phrase and this such a suitable word» and so on and so forth.

The way out is somehow make myself confident and make up my mind so that I stop hurrying.

This time I would like to repeat this idea penetrating through this whole web-site (I assume you also feel that). Being open, interplaying and interacting with each other is the most important aspect of life.

Resistance, opposition, fight against each other takes away so much vital energy. I believe this explains success of Europeans and Americans: they don't fight against each other. When I go to a grocery store (such as Winn-Dixie or Wal-Mart or Publix or another one) I'm not risking of getting offended or insulted by the people who work there. These smart people help each other to produce fun and to develop themselves. Musicians, psychologists, physicists, white and black people, sportsmen — all of 'em communicate with each other and bring joy and love in their lives and get thrilled really high.

To be honest I don't behave ideally in the way I've just described. I've induced some quarrels and insulted some people. And it didn't bring me pleasure and joy, it did reverse: took my energy and seeded sadness. But a really simple act of holding a door for the next person while going outside (or inside) a room produces gratitude and a desire to interact with a person.

Seems attractive to me :)

This time I'd like to say a couple words about a certain rule that I've experienced over my own body. It's about health and thought clarity.

In a nutshell I could summarize: physical workout and mental clarity go hand in hand. Saying a few more words: I can not become physically strong without having a mental cause which would make my body working out. Vice versa, a weak body can not start think clearly.

But I have a very tricky question I haven't found answer for: why does the HARMONY word include the HARM root?

I believe strongly that I keep myself out of the «big game» just because I didn't challenge myself to become a nice man who works really hard and that it looks catching so as people start doing the same or whatever they are skilled in but with a strong belief that they are doing a great job that will bring much pleasure and happiness to the world.

I want my company to provide people nice life. And by that I mean healthy relationships. There must not be stuff/ managers/ chiefs. You are allowed to do whatever you feel is yours. You work hard and you get paid accordingly. And there is no need to wait not an year to prove that you are doing great. You start getting paid nicely the first month (or even week). People must not feel themselves slaves so that must work several years in order to prove that they are worth get paid. There must be trust and faith in doing right and great job.

So all this time I was afraid that I'm going to be that shitty asshole, bastard boss who cares only about the cash that flows into his pocket. And make people suffer. But my goal is opposite: to provide people a better life and healthy relationships and love. Which is the only value for me.

I do strongly believe that I keep being poor and unhappy just because I clearly realize the fact that the more successful I become the harder and responsive task I gotta solve. So I just keep being lazy which makes me more and more depressed and there are only two ways out: early death or fabulous success.

Ivan Yurlagin