This place is really personal one. I mean all stuff that takes place here isn't about computers, bicycles, even people. It's all about my attitude and my perception.

So if you've got good mood, it is probably would be a good decision to leave this place immediately. Sometimes I write really dirty entries. But sometimes they are fluffy and pink ;).

And one more point: if you suddenly find any mistakes here, I beg you not to hesitate if you want to let me know about that.

Semern word statistics (50% of the whole word amount):

         Whole word amount: 13132
         Black word amount: 7076
         Clean word amount: 6056
Clean Distinct word amount: 1833
        

I've acquired a new tricky way of handshake. Let me elucidate it by considering a couple of real examples that I've done and keep doing all the time since three weeks ago.

Example #1: a grocery store. I like to chew a gum. And each week I buy a couple of packs. Now what I actually do when I'm at the register. I take the pack and posit it vertically (on the pack butt-end). So when the cashier takes my packs, he/she feels my touch — because I haven't just drop the pack — I made it nicely.

Example #2: an institute laboratory. I attend a laboratory at an institute. Sometimes during the day I buy a bottle of soda. But I don't throw the bottle careless, I do it just like I put the pack on a register line. I set the bottle in the trash bucket on bot. And when the janitor comes he/she feels my nice touch.

That is what I call delayed contact or delayed handshake.

When I say some serious ideas to people which can be not so much pleasant ideas and touch their inner vulnerabilities I oblige them to face some definite pain. (They would prefer to be perfect and strong, but nobody's perfect, that is absolute truth. I'm also not an ideal) Since I take that responsibility to show their vulnerabilities (in order that people will fix it and will be stronger and experienced) I would better know that:

• — people don't like to think and to fix their problems. Especially if somebody else shows that from aside
• — people know plenty vulnerabilites of their own. But now everybody else watches those!
• — when I show the problem sharp, naked and bright it becomes more painful though it does show the problem itself and that it is a very serious one.

After all the former feelings and emotions I get amazed of people's anger and indignation once and once again. So the question to be worked out is how to deal with people who wastes my time trying to delegate their job, not able to communicate (they can't be honest and responsible for what they say), so much insecure and afraid of everything like a tiny fluffy pussy cat:

• — to be silent and a patient listener (it's so disgusting when you see those traits naked and at the same time to be silent and not to hint he/she what is her/his problem, because they really needs it, it would be so much easier to him/her if he/she knew that)
• — to explain the problem (incredibly hard and painful for some people)

I would really appreciate your thoughts at

Today I've done a really nice jogging.

Since some time ago (actually from a middle of february) I do simple physical exercises pretty systematically (please unfold top link) or let's say every day. And this really helps on jogging. I can start faster. My bodyparts are a little bit stronger and act like a single organism.

And I wanna tell you about today's amazing feeling during a second lap. I suddenly realized that I can resolve a feeling from little amount of cells placed close to each other. Or even from a single cell. No matter where. Upon the skin. Or deep inside. On a finger, on a brest, arm, whereever. It was new for me. And I liked that.

There are two approaches to work. First one is about that everybody in this world work in order to have money for a living and if I don't — I'll be not typical one and will be a poor guy (girl). So I go to work in order to have yet another lazy not interesting day during which I'm going to talk a lot, do a little and actually the most exciting thing about my job is leaving moment.

Second approach says totally different: I'll do my job even if nobody is going to pay me for that. I do everything to get my job done. My job blows my head up. I can't sleep thinking about how amazing and gorgeous my job is. And it is not a problem to do anything that can help to get my job done. Something needs to be cleaned? Ok, I'm ready to wash. There is a client interview? Ok, we are polite and very attentive listeners. Job has to be started, done and finished.

You know where faith works? In the morning if I believe to myself that I've planned some really nice deal. Because my mind isn't able to produce any kind of thinking process in early mornings. But if I believe myself I get so much joy and pleasure in the mornings.

Gosh, how many letters more am I going to spend discussing morning getting ups? :) I've really got a great mood.

And even more..

You know what? I kinda understand now why it is difficult to get up early. It is barely because sometimes you get so goddamn much joy and pleasure and happyness from nowhere (where did it came from, ha?) that it's just not usual and seems strange. But it's so nice and pleasant. This fabulous and magnificent magic blows my head up. I hope I'll survive today.

This year I felt it totally different to study, to do physical excercises, to eat, to have an intimate relationship, to talk with people, to live in general. But what I'm going to discuss is just achieving aims.

It feels quite new this year. Like I can do everything I want. Like there is nothing absolutely forbidden. And you know what's bothering me about this feeling? It is the very wish I want to put all of my efforts to achieve. All of aims that I set doesn't seem high or worth applying my efforts. Like I became so goddamn lazy.

Every aim or wish I set in some days (weeks, months) becomes way easier to achieve (when I realized something that really helps to get that). And then I decide that the wish is not worth achieving anymore.

But this can lead to a situation when I don't achieve any of my wishes and aims to the end. Barely because I'm sure I can get that. But there is a definite difference in feelings of success between ability to achieve and result itself. So, don't be a girl. Do it to the end (DITTE).

Let me offer you to imagine some kind of deal you perform for yourself and only by yourself. Somewhat like a deeply your dream. Nobody can really understand how it is difficult, what does it mean, how does it taste like and so on. I guess you've got the idea.

Now, I can compare this situation with another one that is pretty much the same for me. Imagine you ride a bicycle upon a soft snowy road. It is hard cause the surface is soft and your wheels sink into the surface. Secondly let's add a strong wind that blows to your face so hard that you rotate pedals really powerful. Now if you mentally transfer yourself into another person that sits within a car and talking to his or her cellphone. You are no different if there were no wind and the surface was solid asphalt. He doesn't really feel your efforts and emotions at the moment.

I'm not trying to say that the person doesn't do his or her deep deal. I wanna say that the external person can't understand what is it for you. What it means. How it feels. What is the purpose of the deal. Why you do it in this way not in that one.

I'm so fucking afraid of myself. I don't wanna stay lonely. And when I do — it is way more possible that I'll watch TV or some movie or read an entertaining book or whatever but do the deal that I know I wanna perform. That I want to get done. I'm afraid of difficulty that I probably face in that way.

Sometimes I'm afraid that after finishing the task I will realize I'm empty. But I won't be empty cause everything is done to understand how to do it better. So I just can redo it in better quality. So it is nothing to lose.

So, my point is that almost in all the cases of procrastination I'm just a lazy piece of Ivan.

Recently I've obtained such a challenging aim that I believe I should geek and nerd and do whatever I can in order to achieve it. (Also use the secret, not-doing technique — whatever, but I want to achieve it so much!) So the following 10 days I'm going to sleep only at night from 12pm to 8am. And have a rest only in moments when I realize it is necessary to improve efficiency that would affect on end result.

I feel something is wrong about acting in a way of current-moment wish. It seems to postpone achievements in time. Achievements of long-term wishes.

Let's take a look at a situation. You've just got free from your job for a vacation taking about half a month. First couple days you just sleep all the day long even if not in bed — walking sluggish with eyes half shut. Everything is a little bit dim and not bright. You just give a rest for your tired exhausted body.

One moment you suddenly understand: «That's it. I've got a lot of rest. Now I should start doing my desirable aims like studying something, doing physical exersizes and so on.» But here is the point: you behave yourself as your laziness says you — sleep and relax. After a week of this acting you become understanding — something isn't right, you can't start doing anything really hard and successive cause you are on vacation and your tactics is to follow your laziness. But recalling an idea that the best rest is change of labour doesn't really help you. Because if you have been doing job you are not interested in, you're all the same not going to do it on vacation. And if you have been doing job you like, you wouldn't take such a large holiday. So, the point is that you don't like your job but doesn't know what job you want to have.

My point is that if I work for a living at a wrong job I should search for a really nice job simultaneously which is more complicated but more frequent and real in life. It seems to me that a very small amount of people on the Earth do what they are really excited to do for a living. They are really happy ones.

Another important point is that having a job you are not ready to die for, it is apparently right to do it really fast and enegetic to have more time to investigate or search the job you'd want to have.

Hi, folks. Today I have ultimately sudden noticed how can wrist take effect on my bottom side up movements. And I've found an excercise to improve my wrists.

One moment I just tried to bend my wrist standing on my legs — standing ordinary. And you know what? It is really difficult to keep a right (orthogonal) angle between hand and wrist. I tried by best and it was only a couple minutes. Then my hands were so hardly painful, I could not believe it!

When I realized that muscle weakness I understood what makes me so unstable while I'm upside down — I can't keep my wrists bent for more than couple minutes (or just keep a right angle) and try to counterbalance the strain by placing my legs too far forth that makes the wrists even more painful.

However after all this I tried to walk once again and you know what? I made a half longer path that I usually do. Then I tried again and felt myself wa-a-ay more confident! I was able to stay upside down not moving for a quite long.

All I wanna say is that wrists play a quite important role. And I should train them using an exercise: keep a right angle between wrist and hand for a 3-5 minutes. It is totally useful. Thank you.

I'm going to explain this picture of different ways to live. It is all based on my experience. I didn't read something about that yet. Actually I'm talking about two completely different styles: surviving & enjoying. And how first can become second if I look from another side.

Surviving is a life when I work 16 hours per day to make money for a living. And after doing the job I don't have any physical resources to study or to do anything. I just go home and fall down to sleep. Enjoying is a life-style when I have enough money to have anything I want without any overload working. And I also have time to perform aims that I'm concerned about.

But time to time since I have some aims and wishes I change enjoying to surviving cause it requires the change. And it happens that I have a wish not strong enough to make that change. In these moments I mostly wait for a stronger motivation and do some another more motivated aims.

Another way at these moments is to achieve the aim no matter what. To put all my resources and full strength. And I do so too. I just don't have a definite way to figure out is it worth or not to fight to death.

This is a very important and a painy topic for me. Because I own totally sensitive skin and I wanna learn how to perform the process correctly in a way that my skin is going to feel itself at least not painy and probably even better than it did before shaving.

I believe my skin would feel better in case I used single-bladed shaving-set. See, skin is not perfectly flat. To a greater or lesser extent it is not actually. So using two or more bladed sets cuts skin because of more than one blade contact (larger area is shaved simultaneously, not equal pressure is applied to the surface).

Another note is that I should wait a couple decades of seconds after applying foam and before start shaving. The foam should penetrate into my skin. It makes a better and lighter shaving.

Since searching of a single-bladed set is not that simple I can use a technique to diminish a bad effect of multiple blade set — I try to put a shaving area toward the set (using a tongue or just increasing air pressure inside my mouth :) and use only a small part of the set.

One of the most significant purposes to travel over the Atlantic ocean for me was to learn English not by brain, not by books. But by communication with native speakers mainly (this is one of reasons why I quited from first job where were a lot of Russians). And it was quite efficient, cause I did not have any help from any one. I could not count on anyone. Even on my co-traveller, cause we had a quarrel in the very beginning. So, it was very real experience with all the difficulties and profit.

But any experience that brings me knowledge isn't ideal because of my subjective perception. It has some peculiarities and traits that the same one of other students didn't have and vice versa. So, my point is — I have to keep a possibility of discussion. Even if I was almost dead acquiring that experience and survived due some acquired skill, I have to allow everyone to discuss this skill. It might be even better. I could get it not completely right and efficient.

I'm very proud of my father who told me when I had some really great problems with a teacher telling a lot of things for me to perform:

When I'm trying to obtain some knowledge from people (but not from books, video, audio or whatever) I totally admit that I should listen — I should not talk. I should perceive the teacher and what he/she tries to express.

Certainly there are no ideal people in our world, and teachers are not an exception. But if I decide that some person can teach me something important — I must keep listening and forgiving his/her imperfectness. I must try to obtain what I want to acquire no matter what.

I am not afraid of doing something. I am afraid that it will not bring me what I want. What I spend my effort, time and resources for. Because may be there are more efficient (able to bring the thing in less time) methods of achieving the thing. And the question at every moment is:

Today I finally caught this signal that makes me feeling like I am simultaneously dead and alive.

I am dead because I can observe people, their acting, their behaviour, achievements, joy, happyness (and so on) without expressing my opinion aloud. I perceive it and have my own attitude to it. But I try not to express it without a wish from a third side.

I am alive cause I can apply in real nowadays life this experience that came from place called nowhere, and make new experience that will help another people. I can change the history path. That is why I am alive. But I am dead at the same time cause I can watch what people do without making any influence on their life. Alive and dead at the same time — fantastic!

I feel very strong influence on my jogging of using my hands. It helps me when I'm tired. It assists taking different track surfaces. It is completely helpful. Now let me describe some little techniques.

We are starting to run. We probably have done a warming-up exercises (yeah, sometimes there are conditions when we can't do that), but still our body parts doesn't feel each other like a whole entire thing. There are hands, legs, head and body. Legs moves us. Hands just swing from side to side. Time to time they adjust our cap upon the head. We don't see a set of organs that does not perform together.

Now I suggest that we strain our fists a little bit and make our hands moving back and forth. Since we do it in a good rate — our another parts become feeling the loading. And start paying attention to each other. We can notice that by increase of speed and breath lightening. Now we are ready to run. Let's run! ;)

After some period of time our hands feel heavy and exhausted even if we haven't run a half of planned distance (ordinary session distance). It is totally ok, it's fine. What we need to do is just slow down a little bit, put our hands in the air. Shake 'em for a while. I like to do it like this: make the full half-hounds by each hand and do not hurry. And simultaneously watch your legs — they should not run very fast. It is more appropriate that you maintain right technique of legs movements than you run as fast as you can. Just let your hands get some rest. It is really helpfull.

Let's imagine we are in Russia and just an hour ago lots and lots of snow just filled all the places to run. Not a big deal. It can be very interesting if we know the following technique. Running on a soft and a very crooked surface I suggest to do hands movements like fists are connected on a car wheels. They should rotate with a very wide radius. And move them away from the body. Just make more place to move.

On a very smooth surface we can achieve a better speed if we try to move our lower half of hands right in horizontal plain in direction of running. Point yourself by your hands. It makes my legs moving very close to a track, so it should be very smooth. But in some period we will definitely feel a redundant weight both in hands and in legs. I have already described how to relax our hands, now let me describe how we can give some rest to our legs.

Best way of relaxing any body part is to leave it alone. Legs have a lot of muscles and we strain one group and let another group to have a rest. Just change the technique you have just used: plain straight on jogging, backwards jogging, side jogging. Now let me describe you these types more detailed.

Plain straight on jogging is the most commonly used and brings (in most cases) the fastest speed. Your body and head have the same direction where you run. It might seem oversimpliefiedly easy, but there is something we better know. Since we talk about legs, we are not going about hands. So, let's consider a leg movement. We set the leg on the track by making a touch between track and place on low surface of the foot where fingers are connected to it. Yes, we don't set the very tip on the track, but do it with the described place (where fingers are connected with the feet). Then, smoothly make a contact with the whole foot. In the moment when the whole entire foot touches the track our leg should be placed behind our body and be straightened. Now we let the foot tear off the track. Watch the leg — it should be straightened.

Backwards jogging is very simple. We point our head and body oppositely to the direction of destination. Set foot on already described place, tear it off with the whole leg straightened.

Side jogging is rather jumping. Our body, head and feet are pointed 90 degrees to the direction of destination. We produce jumping movements on a straightened legs. For this type of jogging is very difficult but still it helps to relax muscles that are used in already described plain type.

This post is devoted to show that there are two completely different viewpoints to everything we would mention. This division into to positions of perception the same thing is so clear for me that I finally want to define it.

There are two viewpoints: romantic and rational. They are to be applied simultaneously to everything we could talk about: laptops, tea, web-design, cars, music, friendship, career, jogging, sex, health, et cetera.

Romantic viewpoint is a subjective personal attitude which includes fear , pleasure, neutrality, desire, aggression, lust, passion, thrill and so on. Something that cannot be measured by a electronical device or even if it can be measured then the same value doesn't mean that two people perceive it equally. It is subjective personal responce.

Rational viewpoint is a way of perception when you delegate it to some device (not a vital organism). It can measure colour, temperature, voltage, speed, radioactivity, pressure, magnetic field, distance, indicate a chemical substance, light illumination and so on. You delegate your own perception to some mechanism that tells you the value.

Further reading: Peter Pirsig — Zen and art of motorcycle maintenance

I'm to offer you a new way of eating that would improve your after-eating feeling.

Very often I eat rapidly and after taking main dish I feel that I wanna drink tea and it would be better if I ate some stuff drinking the tea. When the process is done I feel like I ate 100 kilograms. My stomach is so heavy and it feels painful.

Just about 10 minutes ago I have suddenly noticed that if you eat not sitting but standing on your legs and keep your body straightened it feels so much better — I didn't even want to eat after the meal! Great, I like that :)

As I already told about success as about a very brightly coloured feeling, there are definite moments in life (like the current moment) when I feel so much success. It blows my fucking head up. But still I can't describe this feeling in words. It's like to push the start-nuclear-world-war button.

There are definite situations when you MUST accomplish something until a certain deadline. No matter how. You just must. That is incredibly challenging and thrilling.

I would very like to discuss the subject because I want to clean that out.

I thoroughly feel that everyone whether it's male or female one is not dependent on his or her gender. I mean if you are a man — you still can distinguish whether a given man is sexy or not so much sexy. At the same time you can distinguish female's sexuality. And I strongly feel that so women do. And moreover, it is totally for you to decide what gender do you prefer as a sexual partner gender.

I know a lot of girls who feel the same when, for example, watching a movie together, or watching some another, sexually outstanding event. I know a lot of guys who are more sensitive than plenty of familiar to me girls. Sexuality is not dependent on gender, sexuality is independent thing. My point is that human = sexual_orientation + mental_knowledge and everything else is function of those two arguments. And when someone tells you: «What? Are you nuts? How can you choose the same gender sexually?», — it is their choice to choose opposite gender. It is the evolution — you make your choice and take total responsibility of your choice. You don't choose opposite gender because everybody else do so — it is totally your choice. I choose the same gender and I take total responsibility of that.

I have some strange feeling about people who whispers around me. Let me describe this situation more detailed. I'm in some room (home, institute — doesn't matter). And there are some another people in the same room. And those people produce noise by whispering something they somewhy reckon to be pronounced aloud.

First of all, I'm totally sure there are no people in our world who are ideal. And in fact I prefer to see and discuss any kind of imperfection and faultiness. In a way that in future we could control and manage that shit. I mean when you want to interact dirty and you interact dirty. But if you feel at the moment that behaving dirty is fucked up — you manage that easily and switch to clean behaviour.

Some people don't own that ability and behave themselves dirty all the time not carrying about people who are in the same room and perceive all that shit that comes from shitty behaving people not able to manage their shit.

Now I have the only idea how to manage situations like described: audio player.

I beg your pardon, but it seems to be worth denoting a sexually straight person B, and not straight — A, because I'm going to use them very much. Relationship of A-B type are typically:

• — gay-heterosexual woman;
• — heterosexual man-lesbian;
• — another variants when people make a surgery to obtain some sexual body parts from opposite gender's body.

Now, what is the problem being discussed below? Person A (who isn't straight) doesn't have any sexual concern about person B by definition. But person B can be sexually interested in a person A even B knows that A doesn't have any concernment of that type. So, the problem is how to manage the relationship for A (because one still has another type of concern but sex) when B tries to get sex.

Let me explain the problem in kind an another way:

	Sexuality	Concernment
A	Not straight	Not sex
B	Straight	Sex [optionally] Not sex

In my country (Russia) you can't just give B sex in order to wake B's concern of not sex. Once you gave sex you have to proceed giving that or bye-bye. But this is not appropriate for me.

Not so far ago I have always had a guilty feeling at every time I take my things back from people who borrowed those. And all the time I've been thinking that it's not right to feel guilty. And now I've some thoughts explaining my point.

First of all, what is mine and what — isn't? I own something, or saying differently, but meaning the same, the thing is mine if before acquiring that thing I felt that I want to have it. I thought it would be useful and desirable to have it. Then, I spent some efforts on acquiring the thing. Now it's mine.

The thing is now at someone's hands, one is using my thing. And simultaneously I need it. So, my point is — if that one needs a thing like mine he or she is to get it by him- or herself. It is not that hard. One just has to want it strong enough. There is nothing too complicated in this world. Just go and get it.

So, now I don't feel guilty anymore about situations like those. And what I'm gonna do is just asking it back very gently.

Imagine you have a list of wishes to be performed. Some of 'em can be partly done. But none of 'em are done to the end.

Intensive performing is way when you can perform that list even if it is only one wish left in there. And your performance stays pretty much the same as when you have much more wishes in the list. Saying different, amount of wishes doesn't affect the performance.

Extensive performing is way when the more wishes you have in the list — the better performance you have.

Performance
^
|                                 .
|                                ..
|                               ...
|                             .....
|                          ........
|	              .............
|             .....................
|__________________________________>
                            Amount of wishes
                                    

I cannot work in intensive mode. My performance descents as amount of wishes descents.

This post is devoted to answer the following question:

Let me describe the beginning of my usual day — I get up in the morning. Firstly I have some feelings and then as time goes — thoughts come up. Feelings are usually:

• — weakness and drowse;
• — heat on the inside, cold on the outside or vice versa;
• — pain (if took a lot of physical excersizes recently) or wool-body feeling;
• — blinding light;
• — shame, because I'm still in the bed (even if it is 5a.m.);
• — about dreams I've seen during the night;
• — anticipation of some planned business.

As I have just told I have thoughts at the same time. They are about what I'm going to do in a very or not so very close future. But no matter to which time they correspond — there are always a lot of thoughts that contradict each other, or can't be performed at the same time. It means that if I do A then B will not be done. And every moment of the further life I decide what to do the next. There is no way to come back 5 minutes ago and re-decide that.

I am not sure (don't have a method to prove) but I believe that every thought ever made by myself was based on feeling (sound, smell, heat, vision — both visible and invisible, etc). Then the thought makes me performing some action. See the following chain:

FEELING  ->  THOUGHT  ->  ACTION
         ->   <none>  ->  REFLEX

ACTION  ->  FEELING
REFLEX  ->  FEELING

..., T, A, F, T, A, F, T, A, F, ...

Everybody grows up and gradually collects his or her experience which is, simply, an array of pairs: feeling-action.

EXPERIENCE = { F1-A1, F2-A2, ...}

However, there is a very serious issue about the experience usage. Let's consider we are in some definitely a little bit new situation. Now, we have two opportunities:

• O1: to find the most suitable feeling from the experience bank and apply the corresponding action;
• O2: to see — we have no quite the same feelings in our bank, so we should not use the bank and must acquire new experience.

To decide whether you're doing right or not right at the moment is to feel whether you are performing the right opportunity:

• — applying experience;
• — generating experience.

• Stage #1.
  Just have started jogging. Legs are made of cotton–wool. Feel out of breath. Hands and legs perform uncoordinated movements.
• Stage #2.
  About 10 minutes of the process. Inner heat starts to come out. Your movements are coordinated to a greater or lesser extent. Breathe easily.
• Stage #3.
  Your body becomes a whole thing, every part of it is coordinated and works together with another ones. You don't jog — you fly over the earth. You start to feel happy, you do not feel your legs or hands or body. Feel only inner energy, energy of trees, grass, people around you. Feel heat, joy, beauty of nature.

It is always easier to say: «I'm better than...». Because if you're not better you just don't say it. For example,

• «I play chess better than Alex».
• «I'm a better driver than Ivan».
• «I'm a better programmer than Sergey».
• «I run faster than Dmitry».
• «I understand graphics better than Peter».

Now let's imagine you don't compare yourself to another people. What you do is just comparing youself to yourself in different moments of life. You see how much you've improved wishful (by yourself) skills or knowledge and you enjoy that you've created that propagation. This is absolute attitude or me–me relation.

However, there is a difficulty for me about absolute attitude: very often I notice people that are interested in related fields according to mine and sometimes I automatically start comparing myself to them: am I better or not? Absolute attitude says: do not compare who is better. We are all different. You just let knowledge and skills in if you need them.

Absolute attitude provides answers to what–would–you–like questions, because you know what you want:

• — Would you like coffee with milk or classic coffee?
• — I would like sweet tea with lemon, please.

Absolute attitude also provides an explanation to accomodation time: during this period you have to decide is what you try to do worth your efforts in accordance to how much success have you got divided by time spent, i.e. do you like the speed of success.

However, I feel it's right for me, it brings me ideas how to solve appearing tasks. Feelings and emotions are my guides in everything I face every moment in my life.

However, bright feeling can be an outcome of:

• — broken leg;
• — sexual connection;
• — written software;
• — watched movie, read book;
• — eaten ice–cream, chicken, ravioli, etc;
• — colourful journey;
• — acquired skill of walking upside–down;
• — morning jogging, riding a bicycle, ski;
• — delicate–aroma tea cup;
• — simply shower–session;
• — laptop purchase;
• — scientific breakthrough;
• — completion of a wish;
• — whatever.

So I get an answer to success–question by listening to meta–feeling indicating brightness of feelings in the end of the day.

When I am among a crowd of people (more than one) or don't feel like I am in a safe place I can't express myself entirely. I can't discuss the deepest questions of my own. And what I actually do in places like those is just perceiving other people and swallow a fat thread of information.

What is safe place? It's a place in which I imagine myself able to do whatever (however and whenever) I wanna do it without being, potentially, offended.

G–spot research scientists say that both women and men have similar tissues that produce sexual pleasure when being stimulated. Women has the spot within their top wall in the bottom of the stomach. Men have the spot right between their legs. And they also made research about ways to stimulate those spots. In some certain cases it is much more effective to stimulate the place with assistance of a partner.

So, here is the point: both women and men can help to achieve a better orgasm by influence to the described spots. And even more, it's not even obligatory for a man to be assisted by woman, he can use help of another man. The same as a woman can use help of another woman to get hot. It is proved by scientific research that you just have to stimulate the spot and no matter who is assisting to you. It is up to you to decide who you choose.

Having realized this, a new question comes to my mind: what is the family? I mean, I thought about family as a people relationship that is made for:

• — kids;
• — one–partner sex.

I feel that every family that could be made for the kids certainly wouldn't be as effective (in sense of growing kids) as the whole gruop of doctors, teachers and some more people that can provide some definite knowledge and skills for a baby. So it seems family is also a fake structure. Kids are supposed to grow in whole institute of growing kids.

It sounds a little bit strange for me now, cuz I haven't seen real examples of people relationships like described ones to make kids in an ideal environment in order to grow healthy and well–motivated kids. However, there are only two possible cases: these examples do or don't exist. If they do, I will find 'em soon. If they don't — I made a new knowledge and I am happy about it.

Based on movie: The Guide to G-Spotsand Multiples - The Ultimate O

Why do I think that it's much much better to live in America for me? And what is better?

As I've already said about sense of life and about meaning of life–sense question it is all about generating new knowledge and skills that are to make people satisfied and happy. That's it, nothing more. Life is a kind of global quest–game we have to win, so we're all generating knowledge and skills and put it to our bank — Universe in a way that other people could take it and use it further.

Now, consider two different approaches that I feel presented in Russia and America. Americans are much more polite to each other, they prefer to help or assist each other. Assist for what? Well, I also feel, that what they are permanently trying to do is exactly generating something totally new, convenient, usefull and so on. They try to win.

Oppositely, Russians, in my not so humble opinion, are permanently trying to hinder each other by being rude, producing stuff that is not usefull (it works, but it's not convenient and as performant as American stuff is), and so on.

Saying quite shortly, Russia vs America is like violence vs mutual assistance. And I choose mutual assistance.

Now, why USA is a better but not the best place to live? I don't know much about another countries like Japan or even European contries.

I've asked myself so many times what the fuck am I living for, and every time I found some answer that satisfied me or motivated to live further. But this question comes to me once and once again. And every time is comes — I find some another satisfying answer. So, finally, it turns out that there is no answer that could satisfy me for the rest of my life. This is also not a fact cause I can't prove it. But may be a fact, cause may be someone will prove it soon, or proved already, but I didn't realized it yet :).

So, it seems (feels) that when this question comes again, I don't have to be upset. I can be upset if I want to though. Just do what I feel right.

But then when you planned what to do, you spend all your time achieving that aim, that you set for you. And pretty often the question doesn't make you waiting for it — it comes again before you are going to finish that aim. You say: «How is it possible? Your sense of life at the moment is to finish the aim! So that question shouldn't be appear». Yeah, it is a logical answer, but Nature doesn't care if it is logical or not. And then, you become feeling, that even the aim isn't done yet, it's not enough to finish it. You have to invent some another aim. And day–by–day it becomes more and more aims that are not done to the end, that means that you feel not completely satisfied by the achieved result.

Gosh, it feels, that I have to study at two departments simultaneously: physical and linguistic. See – one more aim :).

So, I'm going not be upset next time. Will try to be happy for the one more aim. I'll say: thank you for the reward of my efforts to complete aims that I already own. It's evidently that I made some success because you give one more! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I'm trying to create some definitions today. Cuz it's so messed up now. Want kind a cleaning up my closet.

Respect — a way of acting with people which they apply to myself. It doesn't say I should be smiley or gloomy, complaisant or selfish, neat or dirty, polite or rude and so on. It says — choose yours.

Sympathy — a feeling of similarity to ideal.

Sexuality — aggregate of human peculiarities that involves my sexual body–parts into being strained. Some instances of those peculiarities are: laugh, whole entire physical body, haircut, dressing–style, smell, speaking manner, courage, politeness.

People relationship — an established communication between two people, having their certain interests about each other.

Friendship — an established communication between two people, not having any interests about each other.

Love — ?

See, no definition for love is provided. Isn't it fucked up? I think no so much, I mean — I can live without definition of love, but I feel that I can't live without love, however I formulate it. And it feels like if I knew what is love and if I was able to generate love and canned it, I would not be satisfied. Like if I took a gallon of liquid love, I still would not be satisfied.

It means the sense of my life isn't in love, but time to time I need it. Like I need food, relationships, friendship, sexuality and respect. But WTF is love?

Why is it worth taking responsibility? Why some people desire to become presidents of some companies or even countries? I'm not going to become a president yet, but I have my opinion about it.

First of all, what is taking responsibility? It is a way of living when you admit that everything you ever saw or felt in your own life is brought by you.

So, if something happens that you feel bad or unpleasant for you, it was brought in your life not by your father or mother or teacher or whoever. It was brought by you. I.e. you wanted that to be presented in your life. You wanted to have it, to face it, to experience it and so on. Nobody else but you. But you feel not right about this thing now. So, it makes you thinking or dreaming about something else, about some certain stuff that you actually want to try or to experience in close future. I.e. it is a tool that makes your life worth living. You, and nobody else, become the God of your own life. You become acquiring whatever you want, whenever and however you want.

The Universe aggregates all knowledge that was ever produced by mankind and also freely gives to anyone asking for it.

Time to time during the life people find some unexplainable things and become generating knowledge that helps to understand those things. This knowledge can even sometimes predict results of some similar things. This knowledge in science called theory. Theory is just knowledge to predict some certain type events' end.

Scientific method is an iterative process of generating theories by observation of surrounding world.

Finally, a quote (actually my translation from Nemtsov's Russian translation) from «Zen and art of motorcycle maintenance» written by Robert M. Pirsig about the aim of scientific method:

«Good evening Winn–Dixie shoppers, our store will be closed in about fifteen minutes. Please make your final purcharses, bring 'em to the front. There are two working registers number one and two. Thank you for shopping at the Winn–Dixie on Thomas Drive. Have a nice evening».

I think there is absolutely nothing wrong about both types of jobs. I've experienced blue ones. It is funny, well–needed and keep your body in good shape.

Since I've already tried the blue ones, I wanna try white ones. But it requires some skills not directly connected to your physical shape. However, to a greater or lesser extent, you also have to do something: drawing, typing, writing, speaking, thinking, etc. But what's the difference? As job begins whiter, you have to think more than to transform knowledge into skills. I.e. the whitest work is nothing more than generating new knowledge.

So it's up to you to answer the question: what kind of job do you prefer?

Cowardice is the most disgusting thing in the world I have ever saw: once it was so clear and naked and evident cowardice that I can't forget it.

Early marriage in most cases is a perfect example of cowardice in case if the parents don't know what they are living for, have nothing achieved, no money and interest in their life, they just want to give themselves up to become a slaves. In a way that someone will decide for them what to do.

When a baby is born in family like that and becomes a teenager — one day he or she approaches to the parents (no matter father or mother or both) and ask them: «why did you give me a birth?» And they answer: «We just did not know what to live for and give you a birth to have fun». And then this child becomes understanding their parents worth nothing. The teenager becomes to hate one's parents though they have arisen him or her.

But if the marriage is made by well–motivated and successive people to build a strong family, the answer to their teenager–child will be: «We are successive people and want to have kids which are our logical continuation which also will be successive and happy in their life». And they can provide the baby all stuff that one require to achieve much higher results than parents did, but parents don't mind because in their life they did their best before they made a marriage.

Do not follow the cowardice, use your opportunity to the end, fight to death.

Time to time having realized some new knowledge, totally new for you, you then accept it deep inside you. And try to follow new way of living. But first steps made using this new approach look raw like a first pancake.

Accomodation time is period between moment of accepting some new approach or knowledge and moment when you can say you're doing it quite well for you. It means you can perform it having your eyes closed and not involving your brains.

It's pretty clear that even if you get some already known by the Universe knowledge (so it's not new) the accomodation time isn't equal to zero. Transformation from knowledge to a skill requires real work. Some knowledge is transformed to skill easier for me than another knowledge. That's why there are professionals and amateurs.

The question is how to smash the fucking accomodation time up.

My life is made worth living by improving the Universe using a two–directed connection.

Let's us consider Everything (which is both something that could be and could not be felt by any human sense). Everything comprises both Universe and people. Universe is something that lives forever (was born infinitely long time ago and is going to live infinitely time further). Universe aggregates all knowledge that comes from connections made between it and every human living at the moment. Universe also can transfer that knowledge to everybody who asks for it. So this connection is two–directed. (In computer networks science connections like this are called full–duplex.)

From the very first moment of birth you began to create your own virtual reality. Every object that you perceive somehow in your life is made by your perception. You have your attitude to everything even if you don't admit or haven't faced it yet. What's your attitude to blood — you feel sick about it or you feel thirsty to swallow it? Do you hate buckwheat? Or you like to eat buckwheat with mayo dressing but your beloved married half hates mayo and hasn't eaten it since he or she was five years old? Or you don't even know what is buckwheat? Or you don't have a married half? Do you prefer as a sexual partner a human of the same gender or opposite gender? Maybe you might not like tomatoes in your childhood but now you adore them? People are just being changed year to year, month by month, day by day, taking each breath and they keep building their virtual realities they are living in.

There is a simple and clear technique to bring in your virtual reality things that you want to have for sure. This method is based on very strong and permanent visualization yourself having those things and using them in your everyday life. It really works but can't be proven and also can't be refuted. In science things like these are called hypotheses. As for me I don't even need an evidence. I just know it works.

So here is the question: what is worth doing if you can have anything you ask for? What's worth living for? Is it worth learning that technique that makes you the God able to transform life into a big catalogue that you can choose: I want this wife and that car and this neighbour and so on. No more wars, no blood, everyone's happy and satisfied. Well you can keep having problems and dissapointments but I chose to own that technique. Seems very powerful and delivers you whatever you want.

Having become a God of your virtual reality, you have nothing more to do except to listen to your deep self. Time to time you listen to inner voice (another connection, which is one–directed or semi–duplex) that tells you what needs to be done. Then you establish connection to the Universe to get knowledge and skills which are needed to perform the request, and the Universe gives it to you without a doubt. Why should you perform all the requests heard from inner voice? Who the hell is that? Well, it is something that you don't create, you don't build it like everything else. The voice was made by your parents at the moment of masculine and feminine gamets conjunction.

Let's consider some instances of those requests from the inner voice. Saying generally or dividing my concrete heard wishes by groups there are requests like acquiring new knowledge, new skills and building new people relationships. You say: «what is new? We know what is new — it's completely forgotten old». Nice joke :), but my definition of new is, saying very shortly, something that was never used or experienced or published by anyone. See, this definition doesn't even say about is that good or bad for the people. Because there is nothing bad and good in the Universe. For me some concrete thing can be inappropriate at the moment, that means I don't own any attitude to it. But if I do — it means I brought it to my virtual reality, i.e. I heard it from the voice.

However inner voice listening isn't that simple. It needs to be carried. Inner voice is something that doesn't completely belong to you. Like all the people you face every day — they are not yours, you just build them (yes, you build every one who you ever saw otherwise you just wouldn't see the one) and then perceive them. The dialogue is like a baby you have to listen carefully and perform every little bit of it's wishes to the end since if you don't — the baby will stop talking to you. But sometimes you may stop listen to it accidentally: in moments of overload, in periods of being two busy, in periods of being perfectly unhonest to yourself (to the baby) and so on. Since the rest accidents are more or less clear, let's consider the overload accident. Imagine you being performing request by request the whole month, day by day, starting from 7am, ending till midnight. And then the overload occures: you can't get up at early morning (only at 10am or later) and you feel yourself completely exhausted, tired and lost the voice.

But the good news is that there are some ways to improve or even to reestablish inner voice. I have some my own methods like jogging, hunger, communication over a home web–site and being honest to yourself. Jogging helps you to get rid of physical locks that pinches the baby talk (turns the volume handle of the voice to more louder point). Hunger also has a connection to physical state of the baby (when your body is not occupied by all the food it has to process). Communication through internet provides you an ability to find people that feel truly the same and longing to communicate about it because nobody forced them to leave their comments if they don't agree or just haven't motivated enough to waste their time for you.

Saying very shortly and oversimplified, the sense of life or what makes my life and life of everyone worth living is just improving the Universe by means of listening to the inner voice and using the inner dialogue which is connection to the Universe serving to provide everyone new knowledge and skills.

There are two possible cases to have a job: your own company (where you are the principal) and not your company. My point is that you should choose the most (or at least pretty much) wealthy place to work. The job will provide you everything you need (money, food, insurance, car, computer, add yours).

It is a place where everybody are totally interested in what they are doing. Their job is their life. They put all the resources to achieve an aim. And when the employees get it they feel like if their brains are replaced by the same mass of adrenalin or endorphine. And of course they deserved those money for the wage, car, insurance and so on, because they are the best and like the job. And they are not afraid to be fired because there is not reason to fire an employee like that — one brings a lot of money to his or her company. Moreover the employee can quit from the job to found one's own company.

Now, let's take a glance at those types of companies where people don't try to work. They just want to get money. Without any interest to what they are supposed to do. They feel themselves wasting time pointless at their job. And also they are afraid to be fired. This is a very bleak picture, isn't it?

However there are some reasons why people get in situations like second one. They just don't know what is worth living for or what are their real actual interests are. But those people also want to have nice house and good car and even more than well–motivated people of the first group, because successive people are obsessed with their interests and don't need a lot of shit. Then (after realizing what they want to have) unsuccessive people enter first job they saw in a newspaper and start to live like has been described at the bleak case.

So, if you have a whole bunch of problems instead of success at your job, you should probably think if this job is really worth you.

Provvansal' Mayo is incomparably better than Provvansal' Olivyes.

Ok, I've got one more question: «would it be better if I was ten times more performant?». The question is actually about the definition of a performance. See, if perfromance means performance of doing a lot of insensible stuff ten times faster — of course it wouldn't be better to be ten times more performant. Because performing insensible stuff is like doing nothing since it doesn't help developing myself, mark out my personality and generating new knowledge and skills. It just eats my own invaluable lifetime.

When you really try to investigate yourself, it's quite difficult to say whether something is sensible or insensible for ya, i.e. it helps you or not. And moreover, nobody can hint what is yours and what isn't.

I just have finally realized that I can do whatever I wanna do. And I can have whatever I desire. Let me explain you what I mean. For almost 3 years I've been writing down all wishes and things I wanted to have or to have completed. They take two 96–sheets exercise books filled on each line. And all of those wishes have happened. All of 'em.

So, it's not even a problem to have what you want. (The time between you formulate your wish and the wish is done depends only on how much you really want that). The only problem is only in how you can conduct your inner dialogue with your true self (TS) to get realized what you wanna do, what is sensible for ya, what is your TS.

The sense of performance is about the quality you conduct your inner dialogue with your true self and perform those wishes.

I've got to know three methods to improve that listening: writing this journal, joggin' and rare starvation.

Another reason why I love jogging is the strongest way to reestablish that inner dialogue (InD) which sometimes stops because I don't listen to it because of different reasons.

Why don't I listen to the InD? Sometimes I'm very tired (overload occures). There are periods when I just two busy. Sometimes I just perfectly unhonest to myself and the InD interrupts. Because why should it work if I don't listen to it?

But jogging is really nice and efficient method to restore the inner dialogue.

Almost every time I get up really early like 7a.m. I feel myself so pretty good that I think: «Gosh, why the fuck I slept dowm so many mornings?» Having got up early I've got time to do everything I've planned for today and even sometimes have more.

But over some period of the early wakings up an overload occures: you can't wake up early the whole week. And everyday in that week you think what happened to me today? I was so much sleepy that could not get up. And this lasts an entire week or even more.

Just wondering about the reason.

I've got a human in my life that I'm proud of. I like the behaviour, I like the sense of humour, the appearence, the laugh, the way of thinking. It's not a friend, not a related one. Actually the one is a foreign. I don't wanna get married, I don't even want to see the one every day. But I do want to help to that human sometimes. It delivers me so much pleasure, but sometimes takes too much time :).

Now I've got first approach of motivation to conduct active life style (perform everything my body tells me it wants to get): it is completely interesting and exciting. You see, I can't describe what is interesting. I just say - interesting. When you feel it - you understand it. When you don't feel it you've got no way to understand it but only to make yourself feel interesting.

But, however there are at least two more questions: about paying forward (sometimes it seems so hard to start doing something) and about why is it so spontaneous (it requires to do totally different things!).

Step by step, article by article I make sure that Russian and English articles are completely different. Russian articles explain nothing. People don't discover anything for fun. They just write about some boring stuff and what they actually do in a funny way is trying to persuade that their work is so important and cool.

Instead of that shit, our colleagues in foreign countries are just having fun and make fabulous articles where you can understand everything from the very first time. And get fun.

Just think it's enough to translate some foreign article to make yet another boring article in Russia.

It's not a way out to get married when you don't know what you wanna do in your own life and you donate yourself to another human who, probably, knows how to use yourself, or probably not. Anyway, you'll be performing someone's dreams -- not yours.

You must know what you wanna do in your life. Then, marriage is just a little bit another way of achieving your aim.

Damn, what do some people around me think about when they're only 20 years old, having nothing achieved, having no money, no home, no business, no aim, only troubles, give their lifes to another people. It's a kind of slavery. After another 20 years of joint living they become hating each other. They argue about every simple thing, they are never happy living together.

I want people to be more self-motivated and successive. Of course it doesn't mean they should ignore each other or suppress their feelings. They just should achieve some results first at least to provide money for their future family.

If you read all this stuff about perfect society, you're gonna understand what is to be discussed.

There are some possible ways for me to achieve it. Following some of them I won't see that ideal for me world even to the end of my life, for example, doing nothing. Following some of them I can achieve that only after 20-30 years (for example, if I try to build it by myself in the country I'm living at right now, i.e. my mother country - Russia). But I don't wanna spend my own years to improve nation's brains. They wanna live this way, why should I change it? It's not even my aim. It's only brainfucking. I don't give a fuck - I'm gonna let 'em live as they want to.

However there is one more way of achieving the aim, or approaching it quite close - it's going abroad to the country it's allready realized in. This method provides fastest escape of all that disgusting shit (rude people, dirty streets, absence of beauty in real life - not in Internet or in pictures, etc) I have deal with day by day, living in Russia. And hence bringing me less harm if I leave from here as soon as possible.

But there are some more thoughts about the way. I allready tried to go abroad to the country which is one of possible places where I can feel myself comfortable. And I understood that I wanna do for a living exactly what I'm interested in. So, now I'm gonna learn some related stuff profound enough to go work abroad on this topic. I don't know how much time it should take, anyway, not more than 2 years, I hope.

I like to live among the people whose main aim is, finally, just to be happy (enjoy their lifes):

• - express themselves;
• - be polite and help to each other;
• - produce some more human's abilities so as to make new generation able to use those skills as inherited;
• - have beautifull, clean and fresh-aired nature (ecology);
• - have sexual connection with anyone desirable;
• - earn enough money to buy anything one wants;
• - eat healthy and tasty food.

 
 

The sense of living in society like that is a way of efficient living: you're entirely concentrated in what you're realizing in your life (producing new skills, new knowledge, etc) not in that you can't buy even an orange in some store without got offended by employees (cashiers, associates, etc).

Have you ever met a kind of girls, called cheeks? If they are concerned in ya somehow they always hide that and call you quite disgusting, without any respect. They play with you. Fuck those bitches.

I need so little to be totally happy - a month stock of socks :)

Take away babies, pregnant women, take a deep breath and see. (36K)

 

(42K)

 

I invented a good method of dreaming which provides desirable relaxation and simultaneously guarantees that you won't sleep for another couple hours instead of thirty minutes. Just sleep upon your worktable. It works.

I do not have any motivation to wake up and get up every morning. Why should I open my eyes or get dressed or step out on a cold floor? It's much more pleasant to lie on warm bed under a smooth blanket.

But if I got up and got dressed and jogged for 10km I feel very good. Or, say, I got up and made a good result in programming I also get satisfied.

 So, it seems that I should pay forward: first you make efforts, then you get satisfied. But I want the opposite situation. You know, I wanna be satisfied all the time, and then, because I'm satisfied, I can make really good things, because I don't need to be satisfied. I'm already satisfied. It's like government worker: if one doesn't have enough money, the one becomes stealing it and not actually worrying about the business. But if one is satisfied -- just performs one's job.

I'm not fucking satisfied. Don't have any worth doing idea to start paying forward. Or I am just not brave enough to tell to my self that wish.

It becomes pissing me off. The whole previous 2006 year I didn't feel so bad about my lessons of English as I do now. It becomes two upsetting for me.

My teacher and some female pupils are totally sure they speak English absolutelly correct: both pronunciation and grammatics. Some of them speak English almost correct grammatically (still do some mistakes sometimes), but no one of them can pronounce some even simple words correctly. Of course they looked through a dictionary or even saw a movie, but they didn't have 3 month foreign speech experience with foreign speakers as I did.

Yes, I did that 3 month experience, and I had enough time to remember all these words. And moreover I tried to explain to these people working with me on English language lessons: «Listen, they speak otherwise than you do. They use those pronunciations and these phrases. They always try to speak simple, in natural way, avoiding any artificial, grammatically correct, phrases that make their speech so goddamn sophisticated, that you just don't wanna listen to them, because it becomes boring».

And sometimes when somebody tries to make a presentation, these fighting-for-accuracy-people after the presentation start expressing some strange notes like: «What was that?», — and point to a moment of speaking when the person was lost, you know, when one tries to remember what one wanted to say. And these people say that some phrases were not grammatically correct in a very rude manner, but the person was resembling one's information. When you resemble information, of course you are producing some strange unconnected logically words.

If my teacher wants us to be good speaking in English people, she should immediately stop:

• — being rude;
• — listening to the grammatics, but start listening to thoughts;
• — being so sure that she knows right pronunciation of every word;
• — being uninterested to the modern English, because modern English becomes classical.

P.S. When I changed my behaviour and tried to actually work at the lessons and at home, it became a very good experience. And if it even didn't — nevertheless, I feel that I can't blame people for what they do, I should respect another opinions. This post shows that I am not a role model, I also do mistakes. And this post is my mistake, because I want to be treated good, gently and polite, but behave myself rude and impolite in spite of how another people behave.

I really obtained a plenty of quite useful experience and I feel very thankful for the teacher. I totally admit my fault.

Ivan Yurlagin